World cup fever..

Am busy preparing for one of the biggest events in every 4 years...

Gonna bake some cookies this week.. tarts, cakes... even... depending on my budget and time management... love being a girl

With him, that area in my life has even more ups and downs and round n rounds that I am terribly confused and have absolutely no idea wat is going on.

Somehow, maybe a part of me has given up and resoluved to not caring so much. Stopping myself everytime I wanna ask something which I should not even bother. Stopping myself with a reality check of " youre only friends rem?"

After all, if its meant to be, I suppose it will be... but if not, he is so damn far away.. like another close friend said.. " you have no idea what he is doing there anyway..." which is true, what he does what he is doing.. i have no idea nor can i do anything.. so how? better not to think or care so much i suppose..... =p

i am confused

i know i should just give up. What i want will never happen. I know it now. I realised it truely now. The truth that lies right in my face. Crystal clear like the glass that shines ... as clear as the moon on the 15th day of every month.

Blinded was I by the belief that I never chose to see the truth.

He just doesnt like me enough. He just doesnt feel in the same amount of intensity as I do. It is the truth the aweful truth.

Then why do i even bother trying to cling on to that belief? Until now, when I know and am typing this entry? Why?

Why are we humans such febbal minded creatures that it creates such false sense of security ?

I never knew that I could affect someone that much.

I never knew he felt that much emotion from me.

I never knew that my opinions mattered so much.

I never knew ...

Feels rotten to have such power.

Feels wrong for that to happen.

shit..

as each day passes, i know something is wrong. I know.

I know that he is affecting me. I dont want him to. I dont. NO!

But he is .

Slowly but surely

He is driving me to points where I have never known.

Points where I do not want to cross.

Points where my emotions decide to have a mind of its own.

Shit

Valentines Day 2006 ...

I recieved a bouquet of flowers from him.. how he sent it.. I do not know.. I do not care. I am just insanely happy that I got something from him. All I wanted was an email. Something to let me know he cares and still thinks of me.. What I got was something I never dreamed of gettin. It just ozzes sweetness.

Until I realised it was not only me who he sent flowers to.

It was then my world started to break . Little by little. Reality slowly makes its way into my world. I am thrown back onto earth. No longer supported by the fluffy clouds that lined my once world.

At least I know that he cares enough to send me something. At least it was a sweet gesture. No matter how many other girls got stuff. At least I can smile everytime I look at the bouquet. 6 white roses. What it represents, according to the internet, white = purity of love.. 6 = wanting to be yours. .. Before I get ahead of myself.. maybe it is good that reality sinks in. Maybe its better this way.

At least I did post something on his blog. I did post a public thank you note. Short and sweet. I thank God for the friends that I have to share this interesting turn of events with. I thank God for this sweet gesture from him that have lifted my spirits so high. I thank God for the awakening of reality. It was unreal.

Another friend of mine did do another really sweet gesture for me. He gave me a box of damn good choc. not on v day itslef but a few days ahead, when we met up to go shopping for comp. stuff. Again, I was touched and shocked.

How come all the unexpected happens when I dont expect anything? How come I am always caught off guard? But it is sweet surprises so it is not that bad.

I even got Devil's Curry to eat from one of my good friends.. I mean, this week is turning out to be excellent. Besides the little down fall of gettin sick and having 2 days mc.. Its perfect. Almost. Thanks to everyone..